Step-families
About 40-50% of married couples in the United States divorce. (1) After divorce, it is common for adults to remarry. Many adults that remarry have children and upon remarriage, become a step-family. Despite a common “Cinderella” concept regarding a step-mother or step-parent, many step-families are quite happy and successful. To begin our discussion, let’s take a moment to examine how becoming a part of a step-family may “appear” to a child or Adolescent.
Children under 10 are more accepting of a new adult to the family.
Children 10 to 14 have the most difficult time adjusting to a step-parent/family.
Children 15 and older need less parenting and have less of an investment in the step-family.
Boys tend to accept step-fathers quicker than girls.
Boys and girls feel more comfortable with verbal affection (praise and compliments) rather than hugs and kisses.
Both parents need to continue visitation and their relationship with their children, especially if one parent re-marries. (2)
When families blend, there are many areas to consider. Some common considerations are listed below:
1. Financial and Living Arrangement: it is often beneficial to move into a “new” home rather than one of the partner’s prior homes. Couples should also consider whether to keep their finances separate or united. Homes that have “1 pot” report higher family satisfaction than keeping finances separate.
2. Resolve feelings/concerns about previous marriage: when parents remarry, children are “forced” to give up the notion that their parents are going to get back together. It is important for parents to help children with this concept as well as, work through their own feelings regarding this. Counseling is useful for helping all family members.
3. Anticipate parenting changes and decisions: discuss the role of step-parents in raising the new spouse’s children and discuss house rules that are satisfactory to everyone. (2)
TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL STEP-FAMILIES
• Focus on individual relationships: take things slow. Do not try to force affection toward the step-parent. Step children and step parents should get to know each other and nurture their relationship, start out with 15 to 30 minutes a week.
• Support children at the transition times (back and forth between homes). Allow extra time for the child to adjust, allow them to cry if they need to and give them extra attention and nurturing.
• Use laughter to build closeness and reduce tension. Use humor and physical play such as roughhousing.
• Find someone to listen to “you”. Parents need a support system and it never hurts to have extra input and suggestions.
• Find activities that unite, not alienate step children and step parents. Explore activities the whole family can do, or a step parent and step child can do together.
• Always speak of the other parent with respect. No matter how angry or frustrated you may be, the “other parent” is still the child’s parent. Children shouldn’t be in the middle of or privy to conflict between parents who are separated or between step parents and biological parents.
• Find a respite from the storm. Read a good book in your room, call a loved one or walk around the block. 3
There are challenges in step-families. There are challenges in non-step-families too. If challenges get too great and increase conflict and strife, it is often useful to seek counseling. Many families have “weathered the storms” of blending families successfully, especially with help from a professional. Step-families have a wonderful opportunity to be an exciting, loving and great family!!!
Many step-families seek mental health treatment from a counselor, therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist to assist them in blending their families.
REFERENCES
1. www.apa.org/topics/divorce
2. www.apa.org/helpcenter/stepfamily.aspx
3. www.handinhandparentingorg/article/step-parenting-blended-families/